In Praise of Little England

So, Big Dave has given two fingers to the EEC. Good for him, I say. The worst mistake this country ever made was joining the European Union, which, like tyrannical communism, is a totally failed concept. We Brits have nothing in common with continental Europe, which is full of foreigners who all speak different languages and hate each other. We are Islanders and not Europeans. Hitler – Waaaghhh!. Napoleon – we’re still waiting. Nation of shopkeepers? No, nation of goalkeepers. Spanish Armada – bring it on!

So, what now? Clearly the next move is to refuse to enter next year’s Eurovision Song Contest – politically motivated, third-rate glossy drivel. By this we will avoid being continually humiliated by finishing last and receiving no points from countries who all hate us and are mostly dominated by former Soviet oligarchs.

Next, opt out of the Champions League. The Manchester clubs have shown the way, though an obscure clause means they now have to play at least two more games in a second-rate knockabout called the Europa League. Redknapp’s Tottenham have shown the way there, though unfortunately something called Stoke City continue to play. They are only a pub team anyway, so no one is much bothered.

Why not go the whole hog and resign from FIFA – a corrupt, financially motivated organisation run by a doddering imbecile called Septic Bladder, or something. Not having to play in World Cups mean we English can still claim to be the kings of World Football, so long as we beat Scotland every year. Our soccer only started going downhill once we started playing those slippery foreigners at Wembley. Also, there will be no need to cancel Sunday afternoon cricket matches on warm, sunny days because England have failed to finish top of their feeble group and have to play Germany.

With England top of the cricket world rankings it’s like we’re back in the ’50s again, when the English team took on and gave all our Commonwealth cousins a damn good thrashing and we ran the game from smoke-filled rooms in some St.John’s Wood conclave.

So the Scots want independence. Good riddance. We don’t need your bagpipes and deep-fried Mars Bars. Dump the Welsh as well, good for nothing but singing, playing Rugby and sheep socialising.

Come on you Little Englanders!

E.Savinalaar-Finney