NEW SIGNINGS ON THE WAY FOR IMPERILLED TIGERS?
Beleaguered north London cricket club Judd Street Tigers are on the verge of making some dramatic new signings before the window closes at the end of May, according to reports from the News Agency. A dreadful start to the season has seen them 0 for 4 and some media wits have suggested the team should be re-branded The Judd Street Pussies after four consecutive defeats in 2015 and just 4 victories in their last 17 fixtures going back to last season.
Unconfirmed reports suggest that the first to arrive may be Viking legend Ragnar Lothbrok on a season-long loan from wandering Swedish outfit Kattegat Raiders, where he has been plundering runs on a regular basis for the past few years. Tiger Director of Cricket Steve Bignell, who stayed behind in England as the team visited Oporto for two matches last weekend, specifically to search for new blood, told Tiger News, ‘There are no bad eggs in our dressing-room. The smell is probably someone’s unwashed jockstrap. Ragnar is a warrior and that’s what we need at the moment’.
Despite criticism to the contrary, and reports emanating from Portugal suggesting the players were more interested in the local gastronomic delights than winning at cricket, Bignell denied that his team are old, bloated and no longer fit for purpose and confirmed that the Committee had every confidence in new skipper Stewart Taylor. ‘We are right behind Stewart and Richard (Burgess) and, given time, are convinced they can turn things around.’
Strong rumours also abound that former England and Surrey batsman Kevin Pietersen could be another shock newcomer to the Tiger ranks. The club have apparently been in communication with his agent, suggesting that, since KP is no longer on the England radar, he might find playing for the Tigers more challenging than twatting fifth-rate bowlers around the Gasworks for the next few months, particularly as he seems more interested in playing golf than turning out for Surrey at the moment. Bignell also confirmed that Winston Wolf (‘I fix things’) has been brought in as technical director.
POLITICS AND SPORT – BLUE IS THE COLOUR
So, the great contest has finally reached its conclusion and, against some predictions, the General Election was deservedly won by the team in blue.
Clearly their stratagem, despite criticism of a somewhat negative campaign, appealed to last-minute supporters, viz – a robust defence policy, quantitative easing, an amnesty for non-doms (particularly Russian oligarchs), generous immigration (especially from non-EU countries), slackening of control on gun laws and a repeal of the bedroom tax. As for poor Ed Miliband, might one suggest he now emulates his brother Steve and uncle Glenn and front a popular music ensemble.
Final score: Labour 0 Chelsea 2 (Miliband (o.g.), Hazard (dodgy pen.)
For those of you still following the Enfield Town saga (see earlier news item), their cause actually attracted comment on the BT Sports television channel, but all sadly to no avail as they were shafted by the FA despite employing a prominent lawyer to plead their case. So much for supporters-owned football clubs, though founder member Joan Ryan did at least win her seat back for Labour in Enfield North, bucking the national (though not the London) voting trend. If anyone is interested Margate won the Ryman Premier League play-offs and will now join former football league club Maidstone in the Vanarama Conference South next season.
Apologies for the delay in updating results and match reports (still waiting for the tourists to get their heads out of the trough).
The Tigers lost both fixtures to the Oporto Cricket club last weekend, defeated by five wickets after posting 190 on the Saturday and going down dramatically by one wicket from the last ball on Sunday defending 218. Reports and scorecards will hopefully follow at some point.